


Order of Fucking Lunatics

by Lord_Berkut



Series: Fire Emblem Heroes Crack [1]
Category: Fire Emblem Heroes
Genre: Homestuck References, Sexual Humor, Spiders, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-04-25 17:38:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14383665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lord_Berkut/pseuds/Lord_Berkut
Summary: Daily Shit from Shade's Askr, including where some of these odd rules come from





	1. Broken

"So. Who broke it?" Berkut asked calmly as he pointed to the busted up ragdoll on the floor with the poor thing looking like it got eaten by wolves. "I'm not mad, I just wanna know." The scariest thing to the heroes in the room was his calm demeanor in this, especially since Shade had gifted him the doll for Christmas. 

"I did.. I broke it." Anthony stammered, being almost as nervous as he was under Anankos' rule.

"No, no you didn't. Lon'qu?" Berkut asked.

"Don't look at me, look at Reinhardt." Lon'qu objected.

"What, I didn't break it!" The mage replied.

"How do you know it's even broken?"

"Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken."

"Suspicious."

"No it's not!"

"If it matters, probably not but Serra was the last one with it." Matthew explained.

"Matthew I don't even associate with filthy things like that!" The cleric shouted more intensely than her normal self.

"Oh yeah, why were you near Berkut's room earlier?"

"Because he has the best eyeliner and lotion, everyone knows that Matthew!"

"Let's not fight, I broke it, let me pay for it Berkut." Anthony spoke up.

"No. Who broke it!?" The prince seemed to be getting more Duma possessed with every word.

"Guys, Lyon's been awfully quiet even for him." Lon'qu muttered in the huddle.

"Oh really!?" Lyon's voice echoed with the roars of Fortomiis before going in head first against the stoic swordsman.

 

"Celica broke it." Berkut whispered to his summoner. "She saw like 3 spiders giving birth on it so she destroyed them all with Ragnarok."

"I predict that in 10 minutes that everyone will be in their own voting gauntlet with war paint on and Oliver's head on a pike. It was getting a little too peaceful in here." Shade replied to her loyal obsidian prince. "Still, good on Celica for killing all those spiders."


	2. The Wind Incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niles is why we cannot have nice things.

**Attempt 1**

"So Lady Lyndis." Niles said as he put his hand up to his chin.

"What is it Niles?" Lyn asked as she finished wiping the straw off of the Sol Katti from her training session just a few minutes prior. 

"I heard you are a Wind blessed hero."

"So?"

"I was wondering if you could blow me."

"Niles you dickweed!"

 

**Attempt 2**

"I assume you Lord Clive?" Niles asked as he slid into the empty seat across from the blond knight.

"Why yes." Clive said as he put his book down.

"And are the rumors are true, you are a wind blessed hero?"

"Yes."

"I was wondering if you could blow me."

"Son of a bitch Niles!" Two female's voices screamed. The archer knew that it was Lyn and Clive's wife, Mathilda.

"Gotta go!" The archer soon ran off. 

 

**Attempt 3**

"Lady Julia, is it true that you are a wind blessed hero?" The one eyed archer asked the Naga blessed mage while she was making flower crowns with her father and Tiki.

"Yes. Why?" Julia replied, seemingly spacing out, despite her paying full attention.

"I was wondering if you could blow me." Then, he noticed the Flame Emperor was charging up his Valflame tome.

"I'M GOING TO TURN YOU INTO THE NEXT BARBEQUE MEME!" He shouted before lunging at Niles.

 

**Attempt 4**

"Sup Sir Frederickson." Niles said as he walked into the indoor training area.

"Don't even start that." A female's voice said, before it clicked into the archer's mind. Shade was standing right next to the semi scantily clad knight. "I've heard about every attempt to get a blow job. Mainly because I could hear the commotion Mathilda, Lyn and Arvis were making while I was trying to read to Anthony and Nino." Then, she pulled out that infamous purple book and started to write in it. 

_Niles is now banned from being near Wind Attribute people for “asking them to blow him.”_

 

 


	3. Homestuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Giving these morons the internet was a bad idea.

"Hey Lyon!" Mae shouted across the recreation room. "I heard you're one of those guys who needs a lot of things to read."

"Yes but could you keep it down? I just got back from a screaming match." The princely mage replied before the mage girl flopped onto the beanbag chair next to him.

"I found this amazing webcomic that I think you'd like. It's really long too!" She replied.

"What's it called?"

"Homestuck. It's on MSPaintAdventures."

"Sounds... Interesting."

**One reading of Homestuck later**

 

"Everyone, who told Lyon about Homestuck?" Shade asked with all the heroes minus Lyon gathered around her. "He won't shut up about it and wants to tell people about it." Everyone's eyes darted to the most obvious targets: Delthea, Nowi, Lissa and a few eyes darted at some other people like Seth and Genny. "I told you that you couldn't threaten to tell people about Homestuck! It's not a valuable strategy no matter who your asking." The whole room stayed silent after that. "Fine then. I will find the person who told Lyon about Homestuck, no matter how much spaghetti it takes." Then, out of nowhere Shade pulled out some spaghetti and started to eat it. "Oh this is good shit." 

 


End file.
